Like everyone else, I go through periods with a somewhat congested nose, which is more noticeable when you’re monitoring every potential virus symptom in your body 24/7, but this morning, suddenly, like a flash in my eye from a torn retina, my left nostril started blowing air through it like a brand new wind tunnel at NASA. We may yet colonize Mars.

In an effort to avoid constant trips to the refrigerator while sheltering-in-place, I have initiated a protocol, and concomitant scale, whereby I measure the amount of growling in my stomach to determine whether, and how much, I should eat.   I have adopted the acronym GPS (growls per second), as it is no longer required for location services, since not even the most directionally-challenged of us needs a map to find the bathroom from the living room.

My dermatologist is reopening on June 1 for Botox injections. Botox works by blocking signals from the nerves to the muscles, so that the muscles can’t contract and cause wrinkles, sort of like how RCN blocks signals from the Internet to your computer, so that your computer can’t connect, thereby eliminating the possibility of an infection from a virus, other than the one you brought in with your groceries.

In an attempt to do something different, I started working my crossword puzzles with my left hand, as It has been suggested by some that use of the non-dominant hand is correlated with improved levels of creativity, intuition, ability to feel, and downright smartness. Excited by these prospects, I expanded my area of research into use of the remote control with that hand, with mixed results, as it unintentionally caused me to spend 24 hours watching Spanish-speaking television, without improving my language skills.