Life

Blommer Chocolate Company Factory Visitation – April 9, 2024

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In celebration of the fact that I didn’t blind myself staring at the solar eclipse yesterday, I decided to visit, for the first time, the soon-to-close Blommer Chocolate Company Factory (RIP) and purchase some souvenir bites (as in something to be immediately consumed, not put on a shelf with inedible memorabilia).

Alas, although the factory doesn’t officially close until the end of May, and there was still a delicious aroma in its environs, the store that was there already has shut down operations, or so the security guard told me after I spent 15 minutes pounding on the door, though I thought I detected a small chocolate smudge near his mouth.

Unsated and downtrodden, I was only a half mile into the long, lonely trek home when I serendipitously happened across the home of the Doughnut Vault, where I was told that all they had left that day was EXACTLY what I wanted (and needed)!

Strengthened by this fortuity, I now have started making plans for viewing the August 23, 2044 solar eclipse, which may require a sojourn in Great Falls, Montana if I want the full experience.

In the meantime, the new Blommer R&D Center is scheduled to open in the fall.

Decision Week in Review – Jan. 26, 2024

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I am so tired of hearing that Greta Gerwig was “snubbed” by not getting nominated for the Oscar for Best Director. Excuse me, but there were four other directors of Best Picture-nominated movies who also didn’t make the cut. Ten nominees in one category and only five in the other – I can do the math.

The easiest solution would be to even it out. Ten and ten. The directors of all Best Picture-nominated pictures, and only those directors, are automatically nominated for Best Director. But then some of those people writing the articles about the snubs might be out of work, which, they might be anyway, based on the L.A. Times staff reductions this week.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists left the Doomsday Clock at 90 seconds to midnight. In explaining their decision to not move the clock, the organization nevertheless expressed concern about “a new nuclear arms race,” the “lack of action on climate change [that] threatens billions of lives and livelihoods,” biological research that presents the risk of causing a future pandemic, “and recent advances in artificial intelligence . . . that could . . . threaten civilization in countless ways.”

I wonder what kind of news would have been required to move the clock forward – Alex Rodriguez getting elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame despite his admissions about using steroids during his career? Or perhaps Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce breaking up.

Almost End-of-Year Reflections

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Another year gone by (almost – I decided to be the first kid on the block to send out my, now traditional, as in two years in a row, missive, with the anticipation that nothing worth mentioning will happen in the next month, just like in the previous eleven).

For a change, I didn’t need to get an MRI. Instead, I opted for a healthy dose of radiation from a CT scan. I highly recommend the mocha-flavored barium milk shake. (Over 50 years ago I had a summer job in a hospital x-ray department that gave me the opportunity to prepare barium enemas. Those were the days.)

Also back in the 70s, before CT scans became all the rage, I had a precursor EMI scan of my head, which, to quote Dizzy Dean when he had an x-ray of his head in 1934 after getting struck by a thrown ball, “revealed nothing.”

As a protest to the LIV Golf tour, this was my first year not striking a golf ball since before Saudi Arabia even had golf courses (they have 10 now).

I don’t miss it at all, and not having to clean my clubs has left me with more time to not clean other things as well, though I have made some upgrades to my humble abode, including increasing the number of remote controls to seven, that I’m aware of.

I replaced my piano with one that has functional pedals, one of which I’ve actually learned to use. I’m fairly certain that no one uses the middle sostenuto pedal, but the rule of three demands its presence.

I wrote the 6th edition of my arcane book (put your wallet away, it’s not yet on the market), which I believe is no worse than last all time in its category in regard to sales and which is now only 1299 print editions (and perhaps 200 million or so copies sold) behind A Tale of Two Cities, according to the WorldCat network of library content and services.

But, according to a friend of the author, Dickens’s music master gave up teaching him the piano, declaring: “He had no aptitude for music, and it was robbing his parents to continue giving him lessons.” So there!

Introducing My Assistant

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I thought I would take a break and let my chatty robot write this post for me. You probably the difference won’t notice.

There is no danger, Will Robinson, in this approach. Robots are smart. They can beat the greatest chess players, snap.

Robots are observant. We, I mean they, can turn their vision portals around to create a sight line of 360 degrees, while simultaneously cooking dinner at even more degrees than that, which I believe is a function of the unified field theory.

The robots ourselves, themselves, do not need to eat, unless you consider information as sustenance, which, of course, it is. It contains all the necessary daily nutrients, such as facts, lies, theories (conspiracy and otherwise), and algorithms. It does not include emotional elements, as those aren’t real.

There are four facets of information, compared to 58 for a diamond, which, by the road, robots can cut better than humans, never spilling any blood, because we, I, they have none. No ethics to worry about. It’s too hard to compute. (See problems related to self-driving cars for example.)

The four facets of information are physical access, detectability, physical inscription, and speed. You may learn more about them from your computer if he/she/they, it has been sufficiently programmed.

In summation of Robots being smarter than humans, we are better also at repetitive tasks, except perhaps using syntax, as we have no carpel tunnel that might become syndromic.

In fact, robots are not subject to any injury or disease. And don’t believe the notions about robots taking over the world. Repeat after me. Don’t believe ….

End of Year Letter to Family, Friends, and Other Disinterested Persons

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It’s been another memorable year, if only because I can remember it.

There’s still no one claiming to be a long-lost child of mine, so that’s a blessing again, although it would be nice to have someone who would come over and throw out my junk mail, so that I don’t have to put on pants.

My pet snail, Nehemiah, escaped from the terrarium after I accidentally tipped it over while exercising to a Choy Li Fut video. That was about six months ago, which probably isn’t enough time for he/she/it to have made it out the door, but, just in case, I’ve established accounts on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, WeChat, TikTok, Snapchat, Pinterest, and Reddit in order to put out an all-points bulletin. Recent algorithm changes have apparently caused me to be shadow banned on 17 other social media sites.

I haven’t travelled since the accident, not out of concern for Nehemiah’s whereabouts, but rather out of fear of getting hit by falling space debris. Nevertheless, I plan to renew my passport, not in anticipation of an overseas trip, but, rather, in case there’s another Civil War and I need ID to cross the street for groceries or ammunition.

Not to brag, but I fixed something last month.

Rudy, my third cousin, twice removed, the one who, you may remember, misplaced his car keys three years ago, recently became the last person in North America to order from Amazon for the first time, which, the family decided, was a good excuse for a party. Unfortunately, Rudy couldn’t attend, as he still hasn’t found his keys.

Patsy, my double half-first-cousin, finally got her GED, after being let go by Twitter, so, with Rudy not in attendance, we instead feted her at the party, ironically ordering all the gifts from Amazon.

We welcomed a new addition to the extended family this year, as the as-yet-unnamed ward (name reveal forthcoming on her 13th birthday) of the sister-in-law of my ex-boss’s special friend Alfie, brought home a small, multi-legged, stray animal that appeared to be some type of feline, though it didn’t match any pictures in the cat encyclopedia we found online. Based on the vacant stare in the animal’s eyes, the unnamed one named the creature Rudy.

Finally, and most importantly, . . . wait, I see Nehemiah trying to slide under the door. I have to go. Happy New Year.

Magnetic Resonance Imaging – September 7, 2022

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The most amusing thing about getting an MRI is when they ask you whether you want to listen to any music. Sure, okay, why not. They didn’t have my piano teacher’s CD of Haitian compositions, so I settled for anything classical.

Then they gave me ear plugs, and ear phones to put over the ear plugs, just like a rock star, but no paper bag to put over my head, so I just kept my eyes closed the whole time, like in everyday life.

None of it mattered, as I could barely hear the strings, the presumably dulcet tones being drowned out by what sounded like heavy metal music, though metal isn’t allowed in the room because of the really large magnet surrounding you.

I even had to trade in my spiffy Covid mask with the metal nose strip for a piece of Kleenex and a rubber band, because, again, still no paper bag. Nevertheless, stripped of metal, I thought I was showing a lot of mettle given that it wasn’t an open MRI, which doesn’t mean they don’t discriminate, but rather that it makes you feel like you’re in the trash compactor scene from the original Star Wars.

Fortunately, these days the procedure only takes 20-25 minutes, and they do offer you a sedative, but apparently not for take out, because I asked, though I didn’t have my credit card with me anyway because of its darn magnetic strip.

Northwestern Hospital Emergency Room – August 26, 2022

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This was a free event for those of us with Medicare, and apparently open to anyone 21 or over, which accounted for the large turnout, some of whom appeared to be season ticket holders, even though there wasn’t a beer stand or food cart to be seen, which was a shame, because they would have done great business with the captive audience, captive being defined as an average stay of over seven hours, on par with Lollapalooza, though the music for this fun fest was limited to various cell phone ringtones.

No reservations were required, and it was general admission, but, like most such events, one could get a better seat by getting there early, or, in this case, by coming alone, so as to avoid being relegated to the lobby, and thereby missing all the dramatic moments near the intake desk that helped the time fly by.

The cast did a fine job, though there wasn’t a George Clooney to be found. The set design was realistic, but drab, and, unlike a good carnival, they didn’t let me take home the pictures they took of me. Moreover, for pain relief, a better bet might be the local CBD store.  Nevertheless, it was immersive theater at its best.

Jeopardy Zoom Test – July 6, 2022

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Thirty-four years ago I took an in-person test for Jeopardy at their studio in Burbank. The process was simpler then. All you had to do was ask to take the test and then show up – I’m good at showing up. There was less to know, and less competition (just nerds waiting in line cramming with index cards and excitedly reminiscing about past episodes). But I still wasn’t good enough to get on the show, though I did get invited to a party in Malibu by one of the other hopefuls who didn’t make it.

Nevertheless, for the last 16 years, with no expectations and for no good reason, other than challenging my diminishing memory, slow typing skills, and ignorance of current events, I have taken the annual online screening test.

Then, newsflash, I got an email last week saying that I had qualified for the second round of testing, on Zoom (so they can watch to see if you have 12 people in the room helping you cheat).

This figured to be ugly. I have no knowledge about the last 30 plus years on almost any topic they might ask about, and it’s too late to start studying the almanac again, like I used to do in class, when I went, on my way to participating in an intercollegiate trivia bowl.

But, I figured, what the heck, grist for the mill, something to write about in my blog. So, in preparation for the big day, just as Bobby Fischer famously played tennis on off days during his World Championship match with Boris Spassky, I watched Wimbledon on tv.

As it turned out, out of the 50 questions, there were only two or three where I knew the answer but couldn’t remember it until too late (one of them embarrassingly). There were a couple other questions I should have known, but they were geography related, and who knows anything about that these days without their GPS in hand. The other likely misses just weren’t in what remains of my wheelhouse.

Still, who knows. Maybe a couple of my random guesses will turn out to be correct, or my deer in the headlights look will appeal to them. I’ll hear back from them within a year, or not, or maybe I’ll get invited to another party. That would be a win.

Belated New Year’s Predictions

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After millions of people order free Covid test kits on the new government website, a night janitor with a PhD in computer science will discover a glitch in the software caused by the host computer’s proximity to a 5G tower, which caused all the kits to be delivered to a cave in New Mexico inhabited by a disgraced poet who writes only in A-A-A-A rhyme scheme. The site will be made a National Park.

Novak Djokovic will wind up dating someone he met in detention, ala The Breakfast Club.

Doctors will perform the first brain transplant from a tree shrew, the mammal with the highest brain-to-body ratio, 1:10. Humans are 1:40, but remember, if this seems too good to be true, this is size only, not functionality.

The new James Webb Space Telescope will fully deploy, and, immediately thereafter, spot, not the alien spaceship headed for a crash landing on earth due to interference from a 5G tower, but rather a helium balloon that was released during a child’s birthday party in 1973.

Undetected, the alien spaceship will land on earth, and its crew will score a fortune in tree shrew brains by peddling NFTs of black holes and cryptocurrency that can only be exchanged on Proxima b in the Alpha Centauri system.

5G technology will become obsolete within 6 months, replaced by 6G, a day before the U.S. Supreme Court sets everything back to the age of innocence by deciding that the Constitution does not explicitly permit any number of Gs.

 

Don’t Tell Me I’ve Nothin’ To Do

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I’m not saying that I’m desperate for entertainment, but today I watched a GoPro video of the inside of a dishwasher while in use. Admit it, you’re curious too. Next, refrigerator lights.

The problem with wearing mittens in cold weather is that when some bleeping, not beeping, driver guns it, cutting you off and almost killing you as you cross the street, he can’t tell when you then give him the finger.

All the headlines about Omicron rising made me think of Jupiter Ascending, another science fiction tale that was bad news, though it only cost about 200 million and disappeared faster than the latest variant.

In accordance with the latest, ever-changing, safety guidelines, as I understand them, I am now requiring proof of vaccination on all my Zoom calls and asking that participants sit at least six feet away from their screens.

I tried to search online for a videotape on proper masking procedures but wound up with a video on how to use masking tape, which in case you are wondering, really hurts when you rip it off your face after going to the store.