I installed a PPE vending machine, just like the Las Vegas airport, in the entry to my apartment. Unlike the airport, and I can’t believe they didn’t think of this, mine will double as a slot machine, so that when you pull the lever to get your supplies (hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes, disposable mask), you will have the opportunity of winning a certificate for a free roll of toilet paper. I understand that Cracker Jack also is considering putting such certificates in their boxes.

I obtained an internal document from the Wisconsin Supreme Court that suggests that, in making their decision regarding opening the state, they analogized fighting the coronavirus to boxing against an opponent with longer arms. To offset that disadvantage, you get in close and work the body, so that your opponent can’t extend his arms. Apparently, if you’re in a bar, sitting really close to someone with the virus, the spray from their mouth or nose can’t build up enough steam in the short distance to deliver an effective dose of the virus.

Major League Baseball submitted a 67-page document to the players’ union outlining player-safety protocols for a proposed return to play, which includes a prohibition against spitting in restricted areas (like other people’s faces) and a recommendation that players wash their hands after every half-inning, which reminds me of the dictator’s rule in the movie Bananas that underwear be worn on the outside because it will make it easier to enforce the decree that “all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half hour.”