The baseball season will start on the 2nd of July, with no fans permitted to be in attendance. Players will be paid per game, at the conclusion of each game, based on voting by their teammates and the fans viewing at home, drawing from a pot of money for each game, the amount of which will assigned by the Secretary of the Treasury.
Teams will play six days a week, with two of those days being doubleheaders (but with a triple header on the 4th of July to keep people’s minds off of possibly more important issues related to that significance of that day). There will be no limit to the size of rosters, but the total age of all a team’s players on a given day must not exceed 900 years.
The regular season will end on September 30, with each team being scheduled to play 105 games. Slaughter rules will apply. Teams also will be allowed to forfeit, but doing so will cause them to forfeit their salaries for that game. Rainouts will not be rescheduled and will be permitted only by a vote of the players, given that they will not be paid if there is no game.
All regular season games will be within one’s division. The teams will be divided into 4 divisions of 7 teams each, selected by lottery. Baltimore and Detroit will not be allowed to play, as small children, whose schools are closed, may be watching.
Home TV remote controls will be reprogrammed to allow viewers to choose between levels of crowd noise and cheering or booing at every instance of what passes for action on the field. The players will hear the resulting majority-rules sound effects over stadium loud speakers, but fans at home will hear only their choice to make them feel good about themselves.
All players and coaches will be tested for COVID-19 before the start of each game. If any player tests positive, the entire season will be cancelled. Any player caught spitting will be ejected from the game and made ineligible for the Hall of Fame.
The playoffs will start on October 3 and include the first and second place finishers in each division, thus 8 teams and three rounds of playoffs. Teams will be seeded by an algorithm that takes into account wins, ballpark differences, years since last playoff appearance, and fan voting adjusted for the populations of the involved cities.
The first round will be the best of five, and the next two rounds the best of seven, but, under no circumstances will any games be played after October 31, unless permitted by presidential executive order and approved by the U. S. Supreme Court.