I thought it might make life more interesting (it doesn’t take much these days – I often rely on a sprinkling of crushed red peppers, using it like pixie dust, though, unfortunately, flight has not yet been attained) if I started speaking with an accent other than my own (as opposed to my previous idea of learning a nonexistent language), and change it each day.

But it occurred to me, after several days of concentrated thought, that I have no one with whom to speak, so I decided I should use two different accents every day, so that I can converse with myself, and satisfactorily represent both sides of the discussion (after obtaining a conflict waiver) without confusing myself any more than necessary.

With enough discipline, I can keep this up for well over two months (by which time I will have ingested enough hand sanitizer to ensure that I’ll never get COVID-19 and can, therefore, fearlessly start attending all-night raves) without having to learn another language, as there are, according to LingoHut, 160 distinct English dialects throughout the world.

As a side benefit, I may someday be able to work carnivals (subject to the CDC Considerations for Traveling Amusement Parks and Carnivals), accurately guessing people’s hometowns, and even neighborhoods, in a manner not seen since Professor Henry Higgins.