It’s been another memorable year, if only because I can remember it.

There’s still no one claiming to be a long-lost child of mine, so that’s a blessing again, although it would be nice to have someone who would come over and throw out my junk mail, so that I don’t have to put on pants.

My pet snail, Nehemiah, escaped from the terrarium after I accidentally tipped it over while exercising to a Choy Li Fut video. That was about six months ago, which probably isn’t enough time for he/she/it to have made it out the door, but, just in case, I’ve established accounts on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, WeChat, TikTok, Snapchat, Pinterest, and Reddit in order to put out an all-points bulletin. Recent algorithm changes have apparently caused me to be shadow banned on 17 other social media sites.

I haven’t travelled since the accident, not out of concern for Nehemiah’s whereabouts, but rather out of fear of getting hit by falling space debris. Nevertheless, I plan to renew my passport, not in anticipation of an overseas trip, but, rather, in case there’s another Civil War and I need ID to cross the street for groceries or ammunition.

Not to brag, but I fixed something last month.

Rudy, my third cousin, twice removed, the one who, you may remember, misplaced his car keys three years ago, recently became the last person in North America to order from Amazon for the first time, which, the family decided, was a good excuse for a party. Unfortunately, Rudy couldn’t attend, as he still hasn’t found his keys.

Patsy, my double half-first-cousin, finally got her GED, after being let go by Twitter, so, with Rudy not in attendance, we instead feted her at the party, ironically ordering all the gifts from Amazon.

We welcomed a new addition to the extended family this year, as the as-yet-unnamed ward (name reveal forthcoming on her 13th birthday) of the sister-in-law of my ex-boss’s special friend Alfie, brought home a small, multi-legged, stray animal that appeared to be some type of feline, though it didn’t match any pictures in the cat encyclopedia we found online. Based on the vacant stare in the animal’s eyes, the unnamed one named the creature Rudy.

Finally, and most importantly, . . . wait, I see Nehemiah trying to slide under the door. I have to go. Happy New Year.