Author: admin

In Preparation for the Next (or Continuing) Phase

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Because Whole Foods hasn’t been letting me bring my own bags, I already have accumulated approximately 40 of them (each one a double), stacked in a closet, which means that I can cut each one up into 4 x 4 squares to make 720 pieces of toilet paper, or 1440 of them if I’m willing to go with single ply, which I am in this context. This is equivalent to almost five and a half mega rolls, albeit not the ultra soft ones.

I also have, over the years, purchased numerous bamboo household items, such as garbage baskets, serving trays, wash cloths, face masks, sheets, and pillows. Although one must be careful of the fact that bamboo shoots contain a toxin that produces cyanide in the gut, I’m certain I can master the art of safe preparation before the next lockdown so that I can literally eat myself out of house and home if necessary.

With input and output covered, my only other concern will be keeping my mind occupied. Fortunately, I have discovered the annual National Adult Spelling Bee, which uses the Merriam Webster dictionary, and its 470,000 entries, as its principle bible, which means, at a word a minute, I can learn them all in less than year, and kick butt at the 2021 compitision, I mean competition.

An Apple a Day

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You may have thought that Apple shut down stores for the safety of its employees and customers, but I believe it was because of a new secret project that required all hands on board to hit the market as quickly as possible.

Be prepared for the new iMask. No, not the one that squash players use to protect their eyes. (There are estimated to be over one-and-a-half million squash players in the United States, all of whom live within a fifteen minute drive of an Ivy League University.

And no, not the one with limited features conceived months ago as a joke by graphic designer Justin Ciappara.

The new iMask will come equipped with all the features of the latest iPhone, enabling you to make calls without removing it. Texts, email messages, and apps that need a visual interaction, like the new x-ray app, aptly named iSpy, will feed into your new iGlasses, Apple’s long-awaited response to Google Glass.

But the iMask is also much more. Upon command, it can take your temperature, and the temperature of anyone within six feet of you. This feature caused some delay, as early tests revealed an inability to distinguish between animate and inanimate objects, and who really needs to know the temperature of furniture, except officials in the five states that still offer the option of execution via the electric chair.

The iMask is a great gift iDea as it also has a self-locking device that prevents the wearer from removing it when it detects any body heat within six feet.

Running on Empty

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Mithridatism is the practice of protecting oneself against a poison by gradually self-administering non-lethal amounts. I wouldn’t try a similar strategy at home in regard to COVID-19, but I have decided that it’s safe to experiment with it in regard to the boredom that has accompanied the pandemic. So, don’t go crazy trying to fill every day with things to do. Set aside an increasing amount of time for boredom each day until you can go a whole week doing nothing and thinking nothing of it. I’m calling this the teenager model.

Against all advice I learned from my mother, I’m now intentionally not putting things back where I found them. This new plan of action forces me to engage my higher mental processes more, as there are currently no other activities for which theses abilities can be put to better use. Not only am I forced to remember the new location, I also must get creative in terms of repositioning things, thereby incidentally discovering hiding spots I didn’t know I had and increasing my storage space. And, when I can’t find something I’ve moved, I no longer get upset or worry about the possible loss of cognitive function.  Rather I treat it like a one-person game of hide and seek, where I win either by finding the item or by successfully hiding it from myself.

Reflections in a Broken Mirror

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I was starting to worry that I might be losing my sense of taste, but then I remembered that my cooking has always been tasteless.

I should have known it was a fake COVID-19 testing site when they asked me for my social security number and mother’s maiden name, neither of which, fortunately, I knew.

Another advantage of wearing your face mask at all times – you don’t have to worry about the spinach that’s been stuck between your two front teeth for three weeks, when you last remembered to floss.

It’s hard to have an imagination in a vacuum, or so I would imagine, if I could.

Apparently, if you don’t drive your car for an extended period of time, it may not start. I fear that that same lesson may apply to my brain.

I’m organizing my life by making a long list of things to do someday when I have less time to do them. Is it procrastination if you have no intention of ever taking action?

The COVID-19 Twelve-Step Program

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Step 1: Admit that you are out of control and powerless over COVID-19.
Step 2: Come to believe that a power greater than yourself, Tony Fauci, could restore you to sanity.
Step 3: Admit that you are no longer capable of making the simplest of decisions.
Step 4: Make an inventory of your toilet paper and disinfectant.
Step 5: Admit to yourself, and to a pet, the exact nature of your hoarding.
Step 6: Be entirely ready to have the same meal every day.
Step 7: Humbly submit to Amazon Prime.
Step 8: Make a list of all persons upon whom you have breathed, and become willing to make amends to all of them.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people, but don’t go breathing on them again.
Step 10: Continue to take inventory, but stop feeling guilty about the hoarding.
Step 11: Seek, through Zoom, to improve your contact with the outside world as you remember it, or, better yet, as you would like it to be.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to people who are disregarding the greater power (see Step 2).

Who Was That Masked Man?

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I haven’t read anything about it in any of the 12 medical journals to which I now subscribe, but apparently, based upon my observations regarding usage, there must be evidence that holding a face mask in your hand or wearing on your elbow provides just as much, if not more, protection from COVID-19, for you and others, as wearing it on your face does.

On my daily trek, I saw a very pregnant, unmasked woman walking in the park. I was tempted to approach her and ask if she had a cigarette I could bum, but decided that she wouldn’t appreciate the subtlety of my request.

Walking down the sidewalk, I saw approaching me a group of five, somewhat boisterous, unmasked men (not a Lone Ranger among them) taking up the entire sidewalk and then some. Any indecision I may have had as to my next move was quickly eliminated when I saw and heard one of them loudly cough into his hand. As I quickly veered left and began crossing the street, one of them yelled out something that may have been an affront to my manhood, but I’m not sure, as I was too busy thinking about quiche recipes.

First (and hopefully last) Annual COVID-19 Awards

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Best Use of the Moody Bible Institute Parking Lot: 2nd place – a three-on-three hockey game on roller blades. 1st place – a guy urinating into the side of one of the school’s buses, incorrectly assuming that he was hidden (or maybe he just didn’t care).

Most Egregious Mistake – a guy walking his dog who confused which hand held the plastic doggie poop bag and which held his similarly-colored pale blue face mask.

Best Non-News News I’ve Heard: So far there is no evidence to say that people can catch COVID-19 through their ears.

Best Medical Use of a Metronome: To measure the steadiness of my heart beat, in place of an EKG.

Best reason to wear a face mask while walking around outside, even if no one else is around – you don’t need to put suntan lotion on your nose.

Best New Idea – I’m thinking of opening a singles bar, with no occupancy restrictions, called Risk v. Reward. Upon entry, you will be asked to sign a waiver regarding STDs, COVID-19, and financial advice from the bartenders.

Second Best New Idea – Sunglasses with a microscope-type lens that enables you to see the virus, and a computer in the frame that analyzes the concentration and direction of the particles, and the wind velocity, to give you advice on how to avoid contagion, with an optional training video, narrated by football Hall-of-Fame running back Barry Sanders, who walks you through how to quickly make your moves once you have all the information.

Play Ball!: Envisioning the 2020 Baseball Season

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The baseball season will start on the 2nd of July, with no fans permitted to be in attendance.  Players will be paid per game, at the conclusion of each game, based on voting by their teammates and the fans viewing at home, drawing from a pot of money for each game, the amount of which will assigned by the Secretary of the Treasury.
Teams will play six days a week, with two of those days being doubleheaders (but with a triple header on the 4th of July to keep people’s minds off of possibly more important issues related to that significance of that day).  There will be no limit to the size of rosters, but the total age of all a team’s players on a given day must not exceed 900 years.  
The regular season will end on September 30, with each team being scheduled to play 105 games.  Slaughter rules will apply.  Teams also will be allowed to forfeit, but doing so will cause them to forfeit their salaries for that game.  Rainouts will not be rescheduled and will be permitted only by a vote of the players, given that they will not be paid if there is no game.  
All regular season games will be within one’s division. The teams will be divided into 4 divisions of 7 teams each, selected by lottery.  Baltimore and Detroit will not be allowed to play, as small children, whose schools are closed, may be watching.   
Home TV remote controls will be reprogrammed to allow viewers to choose between levels of crowd noise and cheering or booing at every instance of what passes for action on the field.  The players will hear the resulting majority-rules sound effects over stadium loud speakers, but fans at home will hear only their choice to make them feel good about themselves.
All players and coaches will be tested for COVID-19 before the start of each game.  If any player tests positive, the entire season will be cancelled.  Any player caught spitting will be ejected from the game and made ineligible for the Hall of Fame.
The playoffs will start on October 3 and include the first and second place finishers in each division, thus 8 teams and three rounds of playoffs.  Teams will be seeded by an algorithm that takes into account wins, ballpark differences, years since last playoff appearance, and fan voting adjusted for the populations of the involved cities.
The first round will be the best of five, and the next two rounds the best of seven, but, under no circumstances will any games be played after October 31, unless permitted by presidential executive order and approved by the U. S. Supreme Court.

Signs That I May Be Losing It

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It took me five minutes to find my glasses, which it turned out I had on, and another five minutes of searching after that before I remembered where I had found them.

I lost my dinner one night because I didn’t put the frog into the water until after it had started boiling.

I wasn’t able to finish a jigsaw puzzle when I couldn’t figure out where the last piece should go.

I signed up for an online class on The Odyssey, taught in Esperanto.

I watched a Texas Guinan film festival.

I dreamt about rearranging my bathroom cabinet, again.

I couldn’t remember the name of the star of It’s Garry Shandling’s Show.

I ordered a Star Trek: Picard Borg Washable Face Mask from the Official CBS Store.

In attempting to break the world record of eight hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds for holding a plank, I lost count at five seconds, as I started thinking about where the frog might be hiding.

Viva Las Vegas

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Las Vegas, upon reopening soon, is rumored to be considering rolling out a slightly modified slogan meant to assuage any fears of bringing the coronavirus back home after a visit – “What you contract in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

The Vegas strip will add the flagship location for a new chain called The Shelter Inn, which is conceived as a luxury hotel-hospital, and which will be opening around the country with the promotion “Checking in is better than checking out.”

Free transportation will be provided to the inns via a dedicated rail system – The Quarantine Express – for which Graham Nash purportedly has repurposed one of his big hits, as follows:

Looking at the world
Through the tear drops in your eyes
Trying to make the train
Where you’ll be sanitized
Masks and gloves and alcohol
We’re disinfecting wall to wall
And off’ring discounts from the mall for you

Sweeping cobwebs from the edges of my mind
Had to get away to help save humankind
Hope to start our lives anew
After what we’ve all been through
It’s time to board this train two by two

Don’t you know we’re riding
On the Quarantine Express
Don’t you know we’re riding
On the Quarantine Express
All on board the train.