I was starting to worry that I might be losing my sense of taste, but then I remembered that my cooking has always been tasteless.

I should have known it was a fake COVID-19 testing site when they asked me for my social security number and mother’s maiden name, neither of which, fortunately, I knew.

Another advantage of wearing your face mask at all times – you don’t have to worry about the spinach that’s been stuck between your two front teeth for three weeks, when you last remembered to floss.

It’s hard to have an imagination in a vacuum, or so I would imagine, if I could.

Apparently, if you don’t drive your car for an extended period of time, it may not start. I fear that that same lesson may apply to my brain.

I’m organizing my life by making a long list of things to do someday when I have less time to do them. Is it procrastination if you have no intention of ever taking action?

It took me five minutes to find my glasses, which it turned out I had on, and another five minutes of searching after that before I remembered where I had found them.

I lost my dinner one night because I didn’t put the frog into the water until after it had started boiling.

I wasn’t able to finish a jigsaw puzzle when I couldn’t figure out where the last piece should go.

I signed up for an online class on The Odyssey, taught in Esperanto.

I watched a Texas Guinan film festival.

I dreamt about rearranging my bathroom cabinet, again.

I couldn’t remember the name of the star of It’s Garry Shandling’s Show.

I ordered a Star Trek: Picard Borg Washable Face Mask from the Official CBS Store.

In attempting to break the world record of eight hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds for holding a plank, I lost count at five seconds, as I started thinking about where the frog might be hiding.

Las Vegas, upon reopening soon, is rumored to be considering rolling out a slightly modified slogan meant to assuage any fears of bringing the coronavirus back home after a visit – “What you contract in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

The Vegas strip will add the flagship location for a new chain called The Shelter Inn, which is conceived as a luxury hotel-hospital, and which will be opening around the country with the promotion “Checking in is better than checking out.”

Free transportation will be provided to the inns via a dedicated rail system – The Quarantine Express – for which Graham Nash purportedly has repurposed one of his big hits, as follows:

Looking at the world
Through the tear drops in your eyes
Trying to make the train
Where you’ll be sanitized
Masks and gloves and alcohol
We’re disinfecting wall to wall
And off’ring discounts from the mall for you

Sweeping cobwebs from the edges of my mind
Had to get away to help save humankind
Hope to start our lives anew
After what we’ve all been through
It’s time to board this train two by two

Don’t you know we’re riding
On the Quarantine Express
Don’t you know we’re riding
On the Quarantine Express
All on board the train.

I installed a PPE vending machine, just like the Las Vegas airport, in the entry to my apartment. Unlike the airport, and I can’t believe they didn’t think of this, mine will double as a slot machine, so that when you pull the lever to get your supplies (hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes, disposable mask), you will have the opportunity of winning a certificate for a free roll of toilet paper. I understand that Cracker Jack also is considering putting such certificates in their boxes.

I obtained an internal document from the Wisconsin Supreme Court that suggests that, in making their decision regarding opening the state, they analogized fighting the coronavirus to boxing against an opponent with longer arms. To offset that disadvantage, you get in close and work the body, so that your opponent can’t extend his arms. Apparently, if you’re in a bar, sitting really close to someone with the virus, the spray from their mouth or nose can’t build up enough steam in the short distance to deliver an effective dose of the virus.

Major League Baseball submitted a 67-page document to the players’ union outlining player-safety protocols for a proposed return to play, which includes a prohibition against spitting in restricted areas (like other people’s faces) and a recommendation that players wash their hands after every half-inning, which reminds me of the dictator’s rule in the movie Bananas that underwear be worn on the outside because it will make it easier to enforce the decree that “all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half hour.”

The New York City Travel and Tourism Bureau has announced that it will be instituting, in conjunction with the city’s hotels, and the creators of escape rooms, online bed bug infestation events for those who would otherwise miss this Big Apple experience because of virus-interrupted plans. For a limited time only, tickets to cancelled Broadway shows may be exchanged for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

In an effort to protect its employees, all major airlines have announced that future flights will be auto-pilot only. Flight attendants also will be eliminated, and given vouchers for middle seats with a value equal to one year’s pay, with volunteer passengers assigned the attendants’ duties via lottery, which is the same way that use of airplane bathrooms will be awarded.

After Florida’s governor invited all professional sports leagues to bring their teams to Florida to play their 2020 seasons, that state’s legislature also quickly passed a new law increasing the state’s sales tax from 6% to 50%, which will take effect June 1 and be accompanied by the slogan “Half a Loaf is Better Than None.”

Despite Florida’s offer, the possibility of a baseball season looked bleaker as the CDC’s website recommended that gloves not be worn except when cleaning or caring for someone who is sick, ignoring how hard gloveless baseball would be on catchers.

Gambling, and losing, on online marble racing, before I learned that it was prerecorded.

Watching the first event of the inaugural Memphis Zoo Zoolympics – California Sea Lions in the free style dance competition – and wondering whether the USOC will sue them for trademark infringement.

Wondering whether the real reason that Leonardo da Vinci implemented a backward writing style was as a first step in trying to create a system by which he could cut his own hair in the mirror during the scourge of the bubonic plague in Milan.

Learning the meaning of proprioception, my apparent lack of which explains why I have trouble playing the piano without looking at my hands, which aren’t that great to look at after washing them seven thousand times in the past two months.

Watching a game of Roundnet in the park, and immediately picking up on the rules, unlike cricket, which is still totally incomprehensible to me.

Making a citizen’s arrest of someone going the wrong way in a one-way grocery store aisle.

Talking and reading to, punishing when necessary, and, before even naming it, throwing a two-month birthday party for my plant (to which I invited other plants in the building, though none came as I had insisted on masks and sap testing before entry).

Using my oven, not just for storage, but also for cooking what I had hoped would be food.